My Blog

almost…

very quickly 2008 is coming to and end…it feels like yesterday (okay maybe a little longer than that) when i was graduating…

looking through emails and websites, i have found some of my ex- uni mates…most are married with children!!! omg…has that much time passed by…

i look at my students now and envy the kind of friendship some of them have…crying together, celebrating together… now that i am in my thirties, it’s so different. more select, more "dignified" celebrations, different friends for different needs…
what happened?

last night, i met up with one ex- colleague and one colleague. both are darlings and i truly admire and enjoy their company. we had dinner, gossiped, ex-changed stories and just became…it’s a wonderful thing to have this…

am planning to meet up with an old uni mate. i guess you could say she was the closest to me in our badge…it would be good to catch up once again…

am planning two trips this coming holiday…one is a long overdue trip with ex-housemates. the other is to balik kampung (back to hometown). am catching up with old friends (some from the age of 7) and also an ex student of mine from Korea. we used to do lots together…

feeling nostalgic all of a sudden… frightening somehow… and yet…exciting as well catching up…

yes…the pride of malaysia…konon!

three malaysians, used the opportunity on a raya holiday to visit the popular EYE ON MALAYSIA. we were fortunate that we were visiting a friend nearby and took the chance as the weather was rather cloudy to queue in the not so-long-line and paid Rm15 each for a ride of our lives.

let me describe the scene:

1. we queued up

2. we paid.

3. we waited some more.

4. we entered.

5. we went round 5 times

6. we looked at the view

6.1 the lake

6.2 trees

6.3 building

6.4 squatter buildings

6.5 ground

(repeat 5 times)

haha. it was hilarious. on round three my brother signalled to the guys in charge to stop but they paid little heed to us.

plus point:

we had ice cream in bun. yummy. reminds me of time we were younger. (after the ride)

if you are thinking about going there, just ask me for the pictures. i even video-d it! haha…

i have run the race. i have fought the fight. and now for the first time, i feel

bored.

the past two months especially saw me worrying a lot about my students. not that most of them wont score A or B, it’s just that i want them to do more than they can. most of them speak good english. and they have travelled the world ( unlike me). i am sooooo Malaysian.

anyway, my first year teaching the exam class, i realise that i have a lot to learn. i have made mistakes that i would want to rectify next year. for this year, i’ve given them tips, ways that my teachers never thought about, and i have spent especially the last month marking. i even asked other teachers how they coped with the marking. well, it was easy they said.

1. I just discuss papers with them. give them ideas and sample answers.

2. play games. the students are stressed out. play games to make them relax.

and here i was, panicking that i have missed out something important. i had this nightmare that ALL my students failed and my principal fired me. 

see it is my first time teaching an exam class. now, i am honest enough with my students to tell them that my spelling is attrocious. and often times, i ask the kids how to spell. i have never actually entered a spelling bee so i am not worried. plus, with a dictionary by my side, i am good enough.

and some time during the mid year exam, i met friends who were examiners and they were kind enough to point out pointers to me. for the first time, i found that i was a rather lenient marker. well, not much but i could be more strict. and so in their mid year, a lot of those used to get A didnt.

well, that has all passed. after the frantic marking, getting the students email and returning all their papers, i am BORED.

it’s weird. it’s a saturday and i am sitting here wondering what i will be doing on monday morning in school.

besides clearing the massive paper pile and dust on my table (especially in those corners) i would be… FREE!

and suddenly, i feel strange. like a mother losing her children who have flown from home.

oh my…

i wish all students taking pmr the best. especially to my 3E, A and D.

breathe.

that’s how i view my life at the moment. no tsunami waves threatening to wash over me. no volcano throwing ashes and lava at my direction, no big typhoon coming my way.

the air is gentle to breathe. ocassionally i decide to make my heart work and so i swim. gentle and smooth, as only a baby elephant can do in the water. all the time, my mind focussed on only one thing… breathe.

i learn recently that my lungs need air. most of the time, i dont realise this need. i just do it automatically. i cant hold my breath till i pass out. so rather than take it for granted, i learn to enjoy it. slow, quick, in whatever manner, i breathe.

that’s what i do when things become boring. i breathe. take a book, and calm myself by becoming emersed in the book.

or when my mom starts nagging or asking me difficult questions. i breathe. slowly. counting my breath so i dont lose my calm.

or when i know another of his scheme will turn to dust. i breathe. then smile. and then proceed with my plans to continue work.

for i know, as long as i breathe, i will survive.

nothing lasts longer than a breath, so dont waste time thinking about them. i say, breathing slower and slower to still my quick beating heart whenever something unexpected crops up.

for now, i am contented to breathe.

friends.

yes indeed 2007 is about friends…being one and about those i have.

2006 saw me making few friends and losing the ones that were dear to me. i was/am never good i guess at keeping friends. i seem to be contented with myself and my books. they are safe and i guess in many ways, they cannot judge me. what can i say?

2007 and i allowed myself to meet new people. now, this is difficult especially when you tend to see negative things more than positive things. they call it being pessimistic. i call is, well, being cautious.

work.

i have met a group of new friends that i am opening up to. after so long being with especially people i literally grew up with, i found that i no longer had to play the same role - MOTHERING. i no longer was the counsellor and was free to receive some couselling. give and take.

some dearest friends like linda and hoo have made life really bearable as i shared my life and ups and downs. it was truly different. i felt rather free.

then more ladies came into my life. we are meeting up and making plans to go out and have more fun. am beginning to enjoy myself with new friends.

ex-colleagues.

these are the darlings of my life. i mean who would have thought that working together at a children’s bookstore could have brought such darlings into the world. the once in a while get together, the emails and smses and two years later, we are still friends. all our stories are so fascinating. i cannot forget the RM1200 rubbish bin. or the boss who could throw things at you just because she could do so. oh the stories we share could make a great movie.

old friends.

my angels … still in touch with some. closer to some than others. they were the crutches of my life. i needed them because they needed me. what validation?!? but when i needed wings, i felt i was clipped. it was painful letting go. saying goodbye and ending a relationship. necessary yet sad.

i love my old friends. inspite of all that have happened. yet i know that they have moved on. and i guess i am learning to live without them. it’s hard, especially when i see things that remind me of them. like tortoises bring me such happy memories. of pantene. or kfc.

i love them to know that that season has passed. it is a different phase. how often i wish i was still in the circle. but i know that my prayers and good wishes are always with them.

scouters.

have met some really interesting characters while becoming a scout mistress. some have taught me things i never thought i would learn at 30. others reminded me that i wasnt as old as i think of myself. ah youth… they are named jlo, fi, jhann, fh,ce, vy, diandran, and tc. they are among some who have put huge smiles on my face.

friends? definitely…they have covered my a** when i most needed them…

students.

some have become good friends. others…yet to see… now..if only they will listen to me….

friends.. how can we survive without them?

to friends… i hope i am as good to you as you have been to me.

holiday? no it was more than just a holiday. it was heaven.

we drove back on a thursday nite. leaving kl as the sun was just setting. four hours later, we were at my previous home. i must say i dont recall much of the journey as according to UNreliable sources, i was busy snoring to care about the vehicles we overtook and vice versa.

anyway, the next morning began with me marking exam papers. i was determined to only use two days to complete marking. friday was spent so quickly marking. after two hours, i was getting really tired and frustrated at my student’s work. i really felt as if i did not teach them anything at all!!! i ate, slept, and marked in front of the tv. bliss i tell you…

on saturday morning, i met up with an old friend N. we went hiking and our journey up and down the hill saw old stories being exchanged. it was a good hike and i enjoyed our breakfast. as usual…there was much to say but not enough time.

well we left for alor star for lunch and his mom and dad were delighted to see us. barely an hour passed before she asked if i was pregnant. the obvious answer still prevails.

surprisingly my mother came along. after lunch, we rested a while before we began with our real mission. shopping! we truly shopped and ate. i think from the time we got to alor star, we really ate a lot. however, that evening, my heart began to race and i felt woozy and very uncomfortable. breaking into cold sweat too. i slept early. no dinner (well i had eaten way too much earlier i think…) let’s see…food for that day

breakfast: tosai and milo

Lunch : vegetarian food (home cooked)

while shopping : dodol, kuih bahulu, teh o ais limau, cucur udang

no dinner. you can imagine why.

then the next day, my mother in law cooked for us. she is truly a great cook. in just matter of hours, she made delicious chicken curry, udang sambal, sambal petai, vegetables. for evening tea, she made pulut hitam. simply scrumptious! yummy… more food.

that evening we headed back to penang with our stomachs and car boot full of food, fruits, and stuff. remember the shopping.

back in penang, i completed my marking. next was the progress report. monday came and chandini and her brother and sister had come to penang. nuven and i took them around penang on monday. we tried tajuddin hussain’s food, chendol at penang road, air itam laksa and went up kek lok si temple. for dinner we had great tom yam.

it was interesting and fun to watch the three siblings. they are really close and the interaction between them was great. it was like watching a live sitcom. all that was missing was the popcorn.

stayed over at apupa’s place. the next day, we went back to enjoy some yam rice. yummy. ate and then slept. that day i finished my progress report.

tuesday nite and we visited two aunties. the first had become a grandma and her granddaughter Sehshaliney is just sooooo adorable. as usual i was happy to play with a baby and yet sad at the same time… sigh… oh well… she is just simply adorable. too bad i didnt have a camera with me or else you can see her picture.

went to another aunty’s house but she was working. managed to talk to patti and my cousin.

wednesday morning. both nuven and i were reluctant to come back. we truly wanted to extend our holiday there if not for the work i had to complete when i came back to kl.

plus i missed my pc.

i am back.

for a while, i had a sliver of heaven on my plate. literally…

penang the food paradise.

a lot of people i know treat christmas and new year like it’s something wonderful. i know..i used to too. the mad frenzy to shop till you drop, elbowing yourself through masses of arms, limbs and bums to grab an item to get just the right item for that somebody. and dont forget the ocassional, did-i-miss-somebody-out question that renders you helpless because that would make you ….somebody bad!

christmas this year was new to me. new because i never knew what it would be like to miss christmas. as a child, this was one of the bestest highlights of the year. weeks of planning, gift buying, wrappings, carolling, decorating the christmas tree, oh the whole excitement. one month before we start…you know its about to happen when you start humming chrismassy tunes like "I’m dreaming of a white Christmas or Rudolp the red nose reindeer" ( betcha that even when you read the title of the songs now, you will start humming, haha)

oh and new clothes. the house is decorated. we always had a small tree and i was very envious of the bigger ones. seriously…i thought that it was lacking to have a small tree. no we didnt actually put presents under our little tree but i carefully wrapped empty boxes and put ‘pretend’ presents under the tress to make it look real. alas, on hindsight, i realise the presents didnt have names. as usual the smaller details elude me…

as i grew bigger i appreciated the songs, the fellowship and the fun time with friends. a month of practising carolling was good for the soul. (you see, i had secretly harboured the desire of being a singer). though i joined choir and all, alas, i found out, my voice was average. well, anyway, i still enjoyed traipsing in the car from house to house…singing and eating…singing with the mouth full and exchange jokes and stories we would share when we got busses instead… it was fun.

i loved to watch the adults drink and talk and some times sound silly…sillier than us kids. i liked what i saw…the friendship, the camaraderie, the jokes, the break-into songs, the red faces, and something that truly delighted me, their laughter. grown up world seemed so much of fun. i lapped up all these vivid pictures in my head.

then 1997 came. dad passed away that year. so there was no more celebration. 1998, 1999…still no celebration. mom wasnt ready and made the decision that she would not throw a party like that again…not for christmas anyway.

it was in 2000 when i initiated a gathering of friends at my house. a few friends and my family. my then boyfriend and i would plan the menu, get the house cleaned while my brother and his girlfriend would generally get dessert and the people over. it slowly became a ritual. even when i left to kl, christmas was still at home, with my mom and brother. it continued even after i got married. it was good.

but 2006 was different. i didnt go home. i didnt plan. my mom came down to kl instead. i was so glad that her friends called her for dinner on the eve. i didnt do anything. there were no songs, no tree, no presents, not even a hum. i was surprised at myself. for years, i slaved myself to getting things ready and happening for the event and now i had just let it go. for so long, i believed presents were a way of showing my affection. hah! i feel a little sorry my credit card as well as retailers. they have lost a good customer during the festive season.

this christmas was quiet. my husband and i were alone. i made a simple dinner as he was tired and was fast asleep. after dinner, we watched tv and i promptly fell asleep at about 11. so this year, i didnt even call or wish my dear friends and family members. how did this happen? what changed that 25th of december meant nothing more than just a public holiday?

what does it mean to you?

Yes, you read the title right. I am sure every girl, at one time of her life has dreamt of the following, Growing up, meeting prince charming, having the 5cs and then family.

Why, it is right after marriage that they (I mean the uncles, aunties, friends, relatives, aliens, jaywalkers, etc) all ask the same question after relentlessly hounding you with the “When is juniour coming? Or “SO, when will I see little ones running?” or “When are you going to have a baby?” or “Is there a bun in the oven?” or…. You get the drift!

What’s really strange is it’s such a personal question yet everyone assumes a right to ask the question. It doesn’t matter if you know the person, but five minutes into the conversation, after checking to see if the person is married, the question arises “Do you have any kids?” You try many techniques to answer the question, to show that it doesn’t bother you but none has been good. (if you know how to tackle this question, email me)

Strategy 1 – You shake your head. Just stare blankly in front and look away while shaking your head vigorously. This technique has a failure rate of 99%. Most likely, you will be asked follow up questions like “How come? You know women are so blessed to have children…” and all such comments. Sometimes, the experts don’t even have to ask a question, one look is enough.

Strategy 2 You answer “We are in the planning.” Now, though this answer sounds promising, it hurts like hell, especially if you are in my situation. You want to have kids but you can’t. No matter how much planning or medication you will not just have a child on your own. Anyway, the question that follows normally will enquire about age. If you 30 and counting, these “kind” people will most likely to give you some tips and advice, especially now that “age“ is catching up. You cannot run away.

Strategy 3 Tell them that you don’t want to have a baby. After all, babies are the devil’s spawn. This works for about 5 minutes (yes it takes that long for them to recover and close their opened mouth). They will be torn between agreeing and disagreeing with you. Continue to ask them questions like “Why should I have a child?” and they will do most of the talking. So you actually evade the question by making them focused on another matter. Works for 5 minutes. After that, the pain that follows will haunt you for days.

Strategy 4 Tell them the truth. That you have a medical condition. That you cannot have a child. Whatever is true for you. That you will not be able to have a child. This normally makes people pity you. The look that they give you and the look they give your partner/husband is incredible. You know, suddenly the woman is pitied while the husband is adored. Can you feel their minds working? I can almost hear them breaking into song.

“Oh poor poor man. Will you now find another so that you will have a child? Will you leave your poor wife? Oh poor poor man. How can you still be faithful? She cannot give you a child. You will never experience being a father. Oh poor poor man.”

The truth also compels people to give you suggestions. In the name of being kind and helpful, they inflict more hurt than you are prepared for.

1. You can try. Now a days medical science has improved.

2. You just need to pray. God will provide. Don’t give up.

3. Have you thought about adopting? You should start now.

Why the need to know if someone is going to have a child or not? I have a close friend who never fails to sms me every month asking me if there is any “good” news. I actually went through the above stages with him and yet even with truth, he sends me such sms.

He just got married and now he and his wife are expecting a child in a few months. While I am happy for him, I envy the opportunity he has.

It is dread. To know. and feel empty inside. To know no matter what, this is denied you.

So, my final answer to someone asking me the question is “Will you sleep/find someone to sleep with my husband to give me one?” What do you think? Will this work?

Why is it so hard to be single? Why do we need to feel like we belong? Even worse is the fact we tease and make fun of those who we feel is unfortunate because they don’t have that someone special… Why is that?

Scenario 1

My friend Suja and I just attended a high school friend’s wedding. The wedding was simple and the couple had been going out for about ten years. They couple looked good and the vegetarian food was simply excellent. The Boys were also there BB, Dinesh, Prekkash, Syed and Adrian. Ganesh was sitting with his wife. He did give the customary welcome so as to not offend friends, but otherwise did not exchange much. So, during the reception, somehow or rather the conversation made its way to the fact that Suja was still single. She was beautiful, slim, tall, and had a successful career. The youngest in the family. Oh and also 28!!! Two married friends especially Prekkash were very concerned about the fact that she was still single. It didn’t matter that it was her choice and that she had a fulfilling life. She was busy with work and friends. And her family was slowly beginning to wear down…apparently they have lost hope on her ever getting married. Why must she? Her past two relationships were not fantastic either. Yes she loved both her exes. They were good guys except for certain areas in life. The first one had up to three girlfriends at one time…no one was sure who was the “rightful” one. The second one has commitment problems as well. He is selfish and only thinks of himself without giving thoughts to her needs. And yet after all that happened, the important fact was that she was still single and has no prospects in sight. What was most striking was the statement Prekkash made. “I have an obligation to your parents to see that you get married. You better step it up! Do you want to me recommend someone? I know this guy from Ipoh. He is an engineer…” I was so shocked!!! How dare he assume that he has the OBLIGATION and RIGHTS to see my friend get married?!?! What right did he have?

Scenario 2

Lenny’s car brakes failed. She hit a Honda and dreaded telling her father what happened. Even worse was the fact that she had just made the decision to play truant – at WORK! So off we went to the mechanic and decided to stop by the house to show the damage to the father. In we went. Almost straight away after the relating about the car accident, the father turned his attention to me. Not to actually find out about me, but rather to see if his daughter, who is turning 33 end of this year, was working on getting a husband. Elena has been in several relationships and somehow the guys she had gone out with have not even been up to her expectations. One was two timing her, the other abusive. One more had commitment problems…and the current one she admires is seeing another lady. I know she is frustrated. It doesn’t help that her YOUNGER sister is getting hitched this Saturday and she just knows that everyone will be raising one eyebrow, giving her the LOOK!. Some more daring aunts and uncles will be asking her when it would be her turn. What could she say? That she was a failure? That nobody liked her? That she was a LOSER? What mattered most is the fact that she wants to marry and have children. Her biological clock is booming away – like the ticking of a bomb about to explode. She is fast sinking into depression.

Scenario 3

Although I have been in a nearly 9 year relationship, I really dread marriage. Yes I know that we have been living together for 7 but that is not a good enough excuse or reason to get married. I know that sometimes, the idea of having a husband seems novel but what if we meet different people, or just fall out or…just…I know this doesn’t make sense to anyone who is dying to be in a relationship but it is not as hype as it is made out to be. If you are lucky then you won’t end up with a full MCP, just half. What is great about that? Although this is a general statement, I can’t but help feel that all that I am will be lost once I agree to be a Mrs. Then my identity will be swiped away as I take on the role of the mother. Or else, everyone will ask me till my dying day if I have kids? As it is, I am playing the role of the Fiancee; right after, daughter and girlfriend.

When will I be free to be me? I cant help feel that it is all rigged to control me- what I am supposed to think, feel and how I should act is defined by the roles I am given. If not I am a failure in life. I am trying to postpone my marriage as long as I can. But the W-Day question is coming fast and furious. Everyone( at least that is how I feel) is awaiting that day…I get the question everytime I meet my relatives and friends… Of course you may ask, why not break up? Why should I ? I get a good shag, someone to talk to, someone to spend time with as and when and someone to do some things for me…selfish it may sound but what I have is good for NOW!

I don’t think there is an answer to the above question….there are only more questions to be asked…but one thing for sure…it ain’t easy being a woman…and a single one at that.