My Blog

Yes, you read the title right. I am sure every girl, at one time of her life has dreamt of the following, Growing up, meeting prince charming, having the 5cs and then family.

Why, it is right after marriage that they (I mean the uncles, aunties, friends, relatives, aliens, jaywalkers, etc) all ask the same question after relentlessly hounding you with the “When is juniour coming? Or “SO, when will I see little ones running?” or “When are you going to have a baby?” or “Is there a bun in the oven?” or…. You get the drift!

What’s really strange is it’s such a personal question yet everyone assumes a right to ask the question. It doesn’t matter if you know the person, but five minutes into the conversation, after checking to see if the person is married, the question arises “Do you have any kids?” You try many techniques to answer the question, to show that it doesn’t bother you but none has been good. (if you know how to tackle this question, email me)

Strategy 1 – You shake your head. Just stare blankly in front and look away while shaking your head vigorously. This technique has a failure rate of 99%. Most likely, you will be asked follow up questions like “How come? You know women are so blessed to have children…” and all such comments. Sometimes, the experts don’t even have to ask a question, one look is enough.

Strategy 2 You answer “We are in the planning.” Now, though this answer sounds promising, it hurts like hell, especially if you are in my situation. You want to have kids but you can’t. No matter how much planning or medication you will not just have a child on your own. Anyway, the question that follows normally will enquire about age. If you 30 and counting, these “kind” people will most likely to give you some tips and advice, especially now that “age“ is catching up. You cannot run away.

Strategy 3 Tell them that you don’t want to have a baby. After all, babies are the devil’s spawn. This works for about 5 minutes (yes it takes that long for them to recover and close their opened mouth). They will be torn between agreeing and disagreeing with you. Continue to ask them questions like “Why should I have a child?” and they will do most of the talking. So you actually evade the question by making them focused on another matter. Works for 5 minutes. After that, the pain that follows will haunt you for days.

Strategy 4 Tell them the truth. That you have a medical condition. That you cannot have a child. Whatever is true for you. That you will not be able to have a child. This normally makes people pity you. The look that they give you and the look they give your partner/husband is incredible. You know, suddenly the woman is pitied while the husband is adored. Can you feel their minds working? I can almost hear them breaking into song.

“Oh poor poor man. Will you now find another so that you will have a child? Will you leave your poor wife? Oh poor poor man. How can you still be faithful? She cannot give you a child. You will never experience being a father. Oh poor poor man.”

The truth also compels people to give you suggestions. In the name of being kind and helpful, they inflict more hurt than you are prepared for.

1. You can try. Now a days medical science has improved.

2. You just need to pray. God will provide. Don’t give up.

3. Have you thought about adopting? You should start now.

Why the need to know if someone is going to have a child or not? I have a close friend who never fails to sms me every month asking me if there is any “good” news. I actually went through the above stages with him and yet even with truth, he sends me such sms.

He just got married and now he and his wife are expecting a child in a few months. While I am happy for him, I envy the opportunity he has.

It is dread. To know. and feel empty inside. To know no matter what, this is denied you.

So, my final answer to someone asking me the question is “Will you sleep/find someone to sleep with my husband to give me one?” What do you think? Will this work?

Why is it so hard to be single? Why do we need to feel like we belong? Even worse is the fact we tease and make fun of those who we feel is unfortunate because they don’t have that someone special… Why is that?

Scenario 1

My friend Suja and I just attended a high school friend’s wedding. The wedding was simple and the couple had been going out for about ten years. They couple looked good and the vegetarian food was simply excellent. The Boys were also there BB, Dinesh, Prekkash, Syed and Adrian. Ganesh was sitting with his wife. He did give the customary welcome so as to not offend friends, but otherwise did not exchange much. So, during the reception, somehow or rather the conversation made its way to the fact that Suja was still single. She was beautiful, slim, tall, and had a successful career. The youngest in the family. Oh and also 28!!! Two married friends especially Prekkash were very concerned about the fact that she was still single. It didn’t matter that it was her choice and that she had a fulfilling life. She was busy with work and friends. And her family was slowly beginning to wear down…apparently they have lost hope on her ever getting married. Why must she? Her past two relationships were not fantastic either. Yes she loved both her exes. They were good guys except for certain areas in life. The first one had up to three girlfriends at one time…no one was sure who was the “rightful” one. The second one has commitment problems as well. He is selfish and only thinks of himself without giving thoughts to her needs. And yet after all that happened, the important fact was that she was still single and has no prospects in sight. What was most striking was the statement Prekkash made. “I have an obligation to your parents to see that you get married. You better step it up! Do you want to me recommend someone? I know this guy from Ipoh. He is an engineer…” I was so shocked!!! How dare he assume that he has the OBLIGATION and RIGHTS to see my friend get married?!?! What right did he have?

Scenario 2

Lenny’s car brakes failed. She hit a Honda and dreaded telling her father what happened. Even worse was the fact that she had just made the decision to play truant – at WORK! So off we went to the mechanic and decided to stop by the house to show the damage to the father. In we went. Almost straight away after the relating about the car accident, the father turned his attention to me. Not to actually find out about me, but rather to see if his daughter, who is turning 33 end of this year, was working on getting a husband. Elena has been in several relationships and somehow the guys she had gone out with have not even been up to her expectations. One was two timing her, the other abusive. One more had commitment problems…and the current one she admires is seeing another lady. I know she is frustrated. It doesn’t help that her YOUNGER sister is getting hitched this Saturday and she just knows that everyone will be raising one eyebrow, giving her the LOOK!. Some more daring aunts and uncles will be asking her when it would be her turn. What could she say? That she was a failure? That nobody liked her? That she was a LOSER? What mattered most is the fact that she wants to marry and have children. Her biological clock is booming away – like the ticking of a bomb about to explode. She is fast sinking into depression.

Scenario 3

Although I have been in a nearly 9 year relationship, I really dread marriage. Yes I know that we have been living together for 7 but that is not a good enough excuse or reason to get married. I know that sometimes, the idea of having a husband seems novel but what if we meet different people, or just fall out or…just…I know this doesn’t make sense to anyone who is dying to be in a relationship but it is not as hype as it is made out to be. If you are lucky then you won’t end up with a full MCP, just half. What is great about that? Although this is a general statement, I can’t but help feel that all that I am will be lost once I agree to be a Mrs. Then my identity will be swiped away as I take on the role of the mother. Or else, everyone will ask me till my dying day if I have kids? As it is, I am playing the role of the Fiancee; right after, daughter and girlfriend.

When will I be free to be me? I cant help feel that it is all rigged to control me- what I am supposed to think, feel and how I should act is defined by the roles I am given. If not I am a failure in life. I am trying to postpone my marriage as long as I can. But the W-Day question is coming fast and furious. Everyone( at least that is how I feel) is awaiting that day…I get the question everytime I meet my relatives and friends… Of course you may ask, why not break up? Why should I ? I get a good shag, someone to talk to, someone to spend time with as and when and someone to do some things for me…selfish it may sound but what I have is good for NOW!

I don’t think there is an answer to the above question….there are only more questions to be asked…but one thing for sure…it ain’t easy being a woman…and a single one at that.

being me

who am i?

at anytime in our life, we have encountered this question. at times, it seemed a burning desire to answer this question, at others, we ponder on it, especially when we are going through some issues in life.

it is not strange that human beings identify themselves through relationships. i was reading a book that the secondary 1 students are to read under their literature component. the title "Of Bunga Telur and Bally Shoes". it struck me though.  why did i not notice it before?

summary : The hero "Jamal" was a young wuss about to get married, because HIS MOTHER said so. HIS MOTHER and SISTER went about getting everything ready, even the BRIDE.

did you notice what just happened? only the hero had a name. an identity. the rest were related to him - HIS MOM, SISTER and potential WIFE.

i asked my students, "Isn’t it strange that they were not given names?" what was even more striking was the author was a woman.

our second story is titled "How Dalat Got Its Name". again we have three heroes and their father (name unknown but called "CHIEF") had just passed away. in the course of the story, the three heroes (all named of course) had a big arguement. again, there was a WIFE mentioned. no name, no identity but just a title - WIFE. strangely, the author was again a woman, a foreigner at that.

so, i think it must be rather impossible to see oneself without linking ourselves to others.

i mean when i look at the indian culture in malaysia, this is so prevalent.

when a boy or girl (man/woman) get married, the parents will "investigate" the other. this includes, family background, financial status, education and of course, the star sign and date of birth. If all is aligned properly(the stars i mean), then the marriage is a go ahead.

if the parents are good, then the child would also be the same. that was the believe. really? do people actually believe that? if that is the case, shouldnt it be reasonable that God made people and God made some good and others bad. and that is the way it is to be. CRAZY!

simplistic view?? of course. it is. but so much of truth is there. i have to smile and greet my aunties, uncles, neighbours or else my parents will be called useless. useless because they didnt know how to raise their children properly.

and what is more important is that we are not taught to be ourselves. if we are, then we will learn to respect others. because that is what we want for ourselves.

recently, i asked a student of mine, "Why do people lie?"

obvious answer, "dont want to hurt the other person."

then i asked him if the other person had no "problems/issues" with your TRUTH, would he still lie. he took a few moments to gather what was being said.

the truth can be in the following scenes:

1. you dont care what the others think and so you can afford to tell the TRUTH

2. the other/s can accept what you are saying

the need to lie is because we are afraid of what the consequences will be. or how others will perceive us.

for now, i shall still wear a mask. it is terrible to wear a mask…but even more frightening to bare my soul.

once again, behind the book i hide. under the label "ANti-social".

who am i?

i wish i knew!