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a lot of people i know treat christmas and new year like it’s something wonderful. i know..i used to too. the mad frenzy to shop till you drop, elbowing yourself through masses of arms, limbs and bums to grab an item to get just the right item for that somebody. and dont forget the ocassional, did-i-miss-somebody-out question that renders you helpless because that would make you ….somebody bad!

christmas this year was new to me. new because i never knew what it would be like to miss christmas. as a child, this was one of the bestest highlights of the year. weeks of planning, gift buying, wrappings, carolling, decorating the christmas tree, oh the whole excitement. one month before we start…you know its about to happen when you start humming chrismassy tunes like "I’m dreaming of a white Christmas or Rudolp the red nose reindeer" ( betcha that even when you read the title of the songs now, you will start humming, haha)

oh and new clothes. the house is decorated. we always had a small tree and i was very envious of the bigger ones. seriously…i thought that it was lacking to have a small tree. no we didnt actually put presents under our little tree but i carefully wrapped empty boxes and put ‘pretend’ presents under the tress to make it look real. alas, on hindsight, i realise the presents didnt have names. as usual the smaller details elude me…

as i grew bigger i appreciated the songs, the fellowship and the fun time with friends. a month of practising carolling was good for the soul. (you see, i had secretly harboured the desire of being a singer). though i joined choir and all, alas, i found out, my voice was average. well, anyway, i still enjoyed traipsing in the car from house to house…singing and eating…singing with the mouth full and exchange jokes and stories we would share when we got busses instead… it was fun.

i loved to watch the adults drink and talk and some times sound silly…sillier than us kids. i liked what i saw…the friendship, the camaraderie, the jokes, the break-into songs, the red faces, and something that truly delighted me, their laughter. grown up world seemed so much of fun. i lapped up all these vivid pictures in my head.

then 1997 came. dad passed away that year. so there was no more celebration. 1998, 1999…still no celebration. mom wasnt ready and made the decision that she would not throw a party like that again…not for christmas anyway.

it was in 2000 when i initiated a gathering of friends at my house. a few friends and my family. my then boyfriend and i would plan the menu, get the house cleaned while my brother and his girlfriend would generally get dessert and the people over. it slowly became a ritual. even when i left to kl, christmas was still at home, with my mom and brother. it continued even after i got married. it was good.

but 2006 was different. i didnt go home. i didnt plan. my mom came down to kl instead. i was so glad that her friends called her for dinner on the eve. i didnt do anything. there were no songs, no tree, no presents, not even a hum. i was surprised at myself. for years, i slaved myself to getting things ready and happening for the event and now i had just let it go. for so long, i believed presents were a way of showing my affection. hah! i feel a little sorry my credit card as well as retailers. they have lost a good customer during the festive season.

this christmas was quiet. my husband and i were alone. i made a simple dinner as he was tired and was fast asleep. after dinner, we watched tv and i promptly fell asleep at about 11. so this year, i didnt even call or wish my dear friends and family members. how did this happen? what changed that 25th of december meant nothing more than just a public holiday?

what does it mean to you?