My Blog

being me

who am i?

at anytime in our life, we have encountered this question. at times, it seemed a burning desire to answer this question, at others, we ponder on it, especially when we are going through some issues in life.

it is not strange that human beings identify themselves through relationships. i was reading a book that the secondary 1 students are to read under their literature component. the title "Of Bunga Telur and Bally Shoes". it struck me though.  why did i not notice it before?

summary : The hero "Jamal" was a young wuss about to get married, because HIS MOTHER said so. HIS MOTHER and SISTER went about getting everything ready, even the BRIDE.

did you notice what just happened? only the hero had a name. an identity. the rest were related to him - HIS MOM, SISTER and potential WIFE.

i asked my students, "Isn’t it strange that they were not given names?" what was even more striking was the author was a woman.

our second story is titled "How Dalat Got Its Name". again we have three heroes and their father (name unknown but called "CHIEF") had just passed away. in the course of the story, the three heroes (all named of course) had a big arguement. again, there was a WIFE mentioned. no name, no identity but just a title - WIFE. strangely, the author was again a woman, a foreigner at that.

so, i think it must be rather impossible to see oneself without linking ourselves to others.

i mean when i look at the indian culture in malaysia, this is so prevalent.

when a boy or girl (man/woman) get married, the parents will "investigate" the other. this includes, family background, financial status, education and of course, the star sign and date of birth. If all is aligned properly(the stars i mean), then the marriage is a go ahead.

if the parents are good, then the child would also be the same. that was the believe. really? do people actually believe that? if that is the case, shouldnt it be reasonable that God made people and God made some good and others bad. and that is the way it is to be. CRAZY!

simplistic view?? of course. it is. but so much of truth is there. i have to smile and greet my aunties, uncles, neighbours or else my parents will be called useless. useless because they didnt know how to raise their children properly.

and what is more important is that we are not taught to be ourselves. if we are, then we will learn to respect others. because that is what we want for ourselves.

recently, i asked a student of mine, "Why do people lie?"

obvious answer, "dont want to hurt the other person."

then i asked him if the other person had no "problems/issues" with your TRUTH, would he still lie. he took a few moments to gather what was being said.

the truth can be in the following scenes:

1. you dont care what the others think and so you can afford to tell the TRUTH

2. the other/s can accept what you are saying

the need to lie is because we are afraid of what the consequences will be. or how others will perceive us.

for now, i shall still wear a mask. it is terrible to wear a mask…but even more frightening to bare my soul.

once again, behind the book i hide. under the label "ANti-social".

who am i?

i wish i knew!

and so in the bus we laughed and shared lame jokes. we talked. he seemed quite decent. well why not? after all, he was making a weekly weekend trip to spend time with his wife and child. that’s one thing about gov servants…you dont get a chance really to decide where you are goint to work. so hmmm… a decent guy i could become friends with?

against my normal and better judgement, we exchanged numbers. i mean what are the odds of us meeting up often? he was working in another state, so was i. and his family was even further away… after all, four hours of talking would be an indication of what kind of person he would be right? we talked about many things including past time hobbies, our studies, families… i even corrected his "assumption" that i was malay. you see i talk and look like one. it is a common mistake that i normally dont bother to correct. i hate explaining the fact that my mother is chinese and that my dad was indian. the questions will take hours to explain…

so, anyway,i alighted the bus. and two minutes later, the phone rang. it was him. just checking if my friend had already picked me up. it wasnt even two minutes when he said that he missed me. is that even possible?

after he put the phone down, he text messaged me saying that he wanted to meet up that nite. that he was willing to travel to my house and pick me up so we can hang out at the beach. i mean HELLO! i made it clear to him that i was back to surprise my mom. it was her birthday. she didnt even know i was back in town.

so nina picked me up and she also did me a huge favour by choosing a beautiful bouquet of sunflowers. what was even more amazing than the flowers were the PURPLE wrapping. the picture shows little of their true beauty.

mom loved them and was especially glad to see me. why not? hehe…

anyway, back to "FRIEND"… he smsed the whole nite. i spent a lot of time talking to my mom and so woke up late. i had over 20 miss calls and 10 messages. all in a span of 1 1/2 hours. he even had the audacity to sms "WHy are you not answering my calls?"

two weeks passed and i had enough of such smses. he constantly says he misses me and wants to take me to out. i mean there is a limit la! where was the decent guy i met on the bus who makes special trips every weekend to spend time with his family? what had happened?

i called him. i told him that he was scaring me. that i didnt like him even as a friend anymore. he just oohed and aahed. then after i put the phone down, he smses, "I never said that i was a good guy." What the F was that?

as i asked earlier, when do we become friends? i thought we could be and opened a chance to be friends. what i ended up getting was some jerk commenting on my bust size and how sexy it was. why is it like that most of the time? is that all there is?

can i never find a friend?

a wise idiot told me once, there are many men who are not like that. then again, he confessed that he couldnt keep his eyes of my cleavage.

hmm… i wonder…

friends? for now,  i think i will stick to books. much safer…

Friends?

A more important question that many dont ask is when do you actually become friends?

is it that moment when your eyes meet? when you smile at each other? or when you shake hands? It is indeed strange especially when you remember your best friends but hardly remember the first time you met or the moment you become friends?

why is this question important you say? let me tell you a simple and true story…

It was my mom’s birthday and i was looking forward to going back hometown to give her a surprise. knowing my mother, she wouldnt smell a rat. and since i was traveliing without HIM, i decided to save myself the hassle and take the bus.

the bus was comfortable. green curtains framed the wide windows and i was seated right at the back. next to me was  a decent looking bloke. specky, short hair, clean shave, ie your typical guy next door. now, being the anti-social person that i can be, i promptly sat down and quickly opened by bag to grab my book. i normally read (wherever i go) and soon (within seconds) was immersed in a detective story i was reading - Mary Higgins Clarks. Not actually my kind of read, but since i was travelling i decided i needed something that didnt require all that much attention.

so, here i am happily reading when i ‘feel’ someone reading over my shoulder. it’s really annoying but i decided to ignore the person…at least for the moment. a few minutes later, the bus stopped and the guy beside me decided to get down to buy a drink. when he got back, he offered me a drink( cheesy really as he had only bought one bottle, but hey, it’s the thought that counts rite?). so, i naturally declined his kind offer and was about to turn to my book, when he struck a conversation.

"You really like to read dont you?"

now, what kind of a question is that? it;s like seeing someone at lunch and casually asking "Are you eating lunch?". what’s up with that?!?

anyway, polite as i was, i turned to him, stared a little rudely and said, "YES". now, one would think that that would be strong enough to discorage further conversation. Alas, too short lived was my luck and thus he started talking. albeit, i must admit some of his jokes were lame. but, i finally gave up concerntrating on my book and we started talking about almost everything under the sun. From football to books, families, work…yada yada…